I Am NOT Okay!
This was the first piece I ever had published. It still hits home, and is quite possibly the most raw and personal article I've written to this day.
Let me tell you a secret about me- although I am usually Little Ms. Sunshine, sometimes, that's a front.
I married very young. My husband and I were high school sweethearts from Podunk Town, Mississippi. He joined the Navy and because that was his dream, I eagerly followed.
I had no idea what the military life entailed. No one close to me had ever served. Hell, I thought that one of my all-time favorite movies, Top Gun. was about the Air Force because of the pilots. I simply assumed if you flew a plane you were in the Air Force. That's how green I was.
I've held it together through most of the years. Many moves, babies, deployments, promotions, and deaths later- here I am.
I'm 38. My husband has the Navy, and I have myself, and three kids, along with the absolutely amazing people I have met along this journey. For a while, I did harbor a certain amount of resentment toward my husband. Even now, it's hard somedays.
I'm here in goof ole' Tennessee with a full time job, various volunteer commitments, a side business, a 9 year. old girl with crazy high anxiety, a 19 year old son who knows it all, an a 5 year old with the attitude of a 21 year old all while my husband is stationed overseas.
This is where my passion for mental health comes from. Not only am I handling all of this the best that I can, I am doing it while battling Bi-Polar disorder. The isn't the "I'm pissed off one minute and smiling the next" bi-polar disorder that so many people are confused about. This is the real deal folks. This is the "I'm so happy and hyper sometimes that I can go for days without sleep, clean EVERY SQUARE INCH of my house, and scale a wall side, to the "wake up in the morning and physically can't move" side. When it gets to this point, I physically can not get out of my bed to do something as simple as shower or brush my hair. The is the manic side of bi-polar and can last from a dew days to weeks. Many times you don't even realize what's happening so you don't reach out for help. I've always heard, the higher the high, the lower the low. How true this is.
It's a real shitty feeling when you have no control over your own emotions. Luckily, with therapy, and the correct cocktail of medication, I am somewhat able to keep my bi=polar under control. I still have to proactive self- care which includes avoiding triggers. Anything that makes my emotions spiral out of control I try to avoid like the plague. Some days it is harder to control. My nine year old with anxiety is also a mama hen and she "mama's" me to death some days. I don't always get to have the meltdowns that I need to release my feelings because her anxiety will get kicked up. Because of this, I do a lot of struggling in silence.
Sigh....this is everyday life for me.
Somedays it is a struggle to just exist, however, I try to keep my negativity to a minimum. Dumping my negativity in someone else's lap won't make my day an less shitty.
I'm not sharing this with you for pity. Quite the opposite actually. I'm telling you this because although I do portray to always have it together, and everything in my world is sunshiny and bright, this is not the case. I'm not superhuman, but I am an emotionally shredded, can't seem to cry another tear, big- hearted blubber of a mess that loves everyone has has really really bad days sometimes.
I choose to pick myself up each morning, put a smile on my face, and carry on smartly.
Why do I do this day after day?
1- Because I owe it to myself,
2. Because my kids are watching everything I do
3. Because other's have it so much worse.
We don't always have to have it together. WE can all have really bad days. It's OK, It's natural. Sometimes we need to take some time out to lay low and lick our wounds. It is not, however, okay to unpack and live there.
Today is a rough one. I assure you, although I usually have it together, I most certainly DO NOT.
And guess what? That's is okay with me.