As you all know, I have three beautiful children. How the three could be so polar opposite from one another I will never know. The oldest one, however, is quite the unique one. Old faithful DS. (No, not dipshit! Remember, DS stands for Dear Son!)
Good ole' DS, how I love him. You've read about him in previous posts. He keeps me laughing when I'm not ready to choke him. Since he has hit those teenage years, it seems as though I've birthed an alien. Seriously, y'all. I can see his mouth moving, there's a light on behind his eye sockets, but I don't understand the foreign language he speaks. The guy that wrote "Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus" should write one called "Where the Hell are Teenagers From?".
I have no doubt my son will be successful. Because of his amazing negotiating skills, he will either be a lawyer, a politician, or someone who is incredibly full of shit. I don't argue with him. I refuse! Yes, I hear you. As parents we should never argue with our children anyway. I get it...I really do. This one though, is very persuasive. Being the "in tune" mama that I am, I know when he is about to blow smoke up my ass. He leans over on one leg, pokes that chest out, and proceeds to spew outrageousness from his mouth. I can be completely against whatever he's trying to sale me. Hey, let's add salesman to the list of possible career choices here.
Exhibit A: DS is 16 years old and wants to get a hotel for the night for himself and some friends. He wants to use our timeshare which, in his mind, won't cost him anything. He doesn't realize that timeshare bill comes due each month!
DS and three of his closest "bros" will spend the weekend in this hotel. He will need food, drinks, and swim trunks because all they plan to do is swim in the hotel pool all weekend. As soon as this sales pitch starts, I combat it quickly with a stern "talk to your father!" He keeps talking because he thinks if he snowballs me into getting onboard with this wonderful plan, his father will too. Did I mention a few girls might stop by too? Add condoms to the list with food, drinks, and swim trunks.
"But MAMA! I'm sixteen. I have a LIFE! This would be so much fun. We won't do anything stupid!" Let's pause right here. When you hear these words, run! These words are always a red flag. "We are just going to hang out by the pool, eat ya know. Stuff like that. I'll need you to have pizza and soda delivered one night. We might want to rent a movie too so I'll need some money for that. We will probably run out of soda. I think $250 for the whole weekend should do it."
Up until this point I have really tried to tune him out. I am 100% against this. Hell, I don't even get a night in a hotel to flop around in a pool, eat pizza, watch Netflix, and chill- and I WORK! The thought of a group of boys with girls wandering in and out was enough to give me serious indigestion. Is this a heart attack I'm having? Or just a really bad case of gas?
Remember, I told you he'd be a good politician. "Mama, I am about to be a senior. You have got to let go at some point. Let ME help YOU. We can ease into this transition together. One weekend here, a weekend there...blah...blah..blah. Little by little you will get used to this and it won't be so hard when I move out. Wouldn't you rather have me here at this hotel in town, close, so that you can be here IF I should get into trouble? This will teach me how to act in real life situations. It's a win win really. You start letting go, slowly, and I get a little life experience." By now he is standing next to me, hugging me, with his chin on my shoulder. The entire time I've been looking for his father. My bodyguard. The one who should be here to help me fight this enemy.
"Mama, come on now, You know I'm responsible. All my grades are up. I never get into trouble and I always do what you tell me to around the house. Come on cool mom. We need this. We- me and you, need this. WE need to ease into this together. (Again) Let ME help YOU. I'm really taking one for the team here." I'll give him an A for perseverance and determination.
By now I am like a frightened deer in the headlights. I look around my kitchen. What do I have here other than "because I said no!"? He has already rebutted any logical explanation as to why he could not have his hotel rendezvous. Well, other than the fact that he's too damn young!
Luckily, his dad came home and put an end to that nonsense. Since I am a softy and no good with confrontations, this is how the story would have ended had my bodyguard not come home in the nick of time.
OK son. What kind of pizza? Get the good kind, remember we got food poisoning the last time we at at that ONE. How many will you need? Condoms? Oh, your friends will need those too. Do you want glow in the dark or flavored ones? Here's some movie money in case you all decide to go see a movie. Money for popcorn and candy? Sure thing honey. You could take your dad's truck (his brand new Dodge Ram) if you want to I'm sure your friends would enjoy going mudding on the way to the hotel. Yea, I guess they can sit in the back as long as they hang on. Be home noon on Sunday, oh on second thought just go ahead and stay until Monday. I'll pay for the extra night.
Do you see where this would have ended? By now, my kid would be out in his dad's truck- hunting, fishing, and lovin' like a Luke Bryan song, with my bank card and my blessings, while my ass was getting chewed. I'm not sure which would get me in trouble more; the truck or the bank card.
This is why I never negotiate with my kid.
I think he would have sold me a Kirby too..........